breaking the news to family, friends & co-workers /// my experience & tips

If you've been diagnosed with cancer (or any other serious illness I guess), one of the hardest elements of the diagnosis and having cancer, as I'm sure many others will agree with, is dealing with telling people in your life what's happening. Who do you tell? When do you tell them? How and what exactly do you tell them?

There is no one-size fits all formula, but I learned a few things in my own process and tried to summarize them here. I also truly believe that, while difficult, you can actually derive reward and purpose from this communications process.

WHO DO YOU TELL?

Well, who do you want to know? Of course, everyone has their own privacy levels, but in my own experience it was better for me to go "wider" than "narrower". Telling people in your life who are important to you makes them feel included in the process and what your going through. And it feels less like some crazy secret you're hanging on to or that no one can talk about.

My list was actually an easy one - as I was getting married in 2.5 months' time, Joanna and I had already gone through the painstaking process of coming up with the list of who we wanted to share our special day with, and that was a great place to start. Plus - there was no getting out of telling anyone on that list anyways - no way we would be able to keep it a secret on the big day! From there, I added my boss and my direct reports at work, a few other close colleagues and contacts professionally, and that pretty much completed the initial list.

The difficult part for me was feeling like I was dumping this horrible news and burdening everyone with it. Nothing kills a vibe like cancer news! But I know that beyond the initial shock of the news, each and every person I told in those early days was extremely grateful to be looped in. And it also meant I had an outpouring of support and encouragement, and had already cultivated an extended support system for the challenges ahead.

WHO DO YOU TELL FIRST?

My advice here might seem a little counterintuitive. Don't always tell the most important people first... OK that's not 100% true - if you have a significant other, there is probably no getting around telling them first. I called my partner Joanna immediately after my MRI scan, and it was a very hard call to make. It pretty quickly put into doubt many of the important short-term plans (wedding, honeymoon/sabbatical) and long-term aspirations (having kids), not to mention we simply didn't know much about what the diagnosis meant or what recovery prospects looked like.

But beyond Joanna, one of the smartest things I did was avoid the temptation to call my parents first. Despite them being in Canada, we are very close, and I knew this news would be devastating for them. Instead, I next called someone who I knew could help me with charting my next steps towards telling my parents - my sister. While telling her was also extremely difficult, she helped me determine when and how to tell my parents, advising me to wait until I had a few more answers from the doctors (about surgery, etc.) and to tell them jointly on the phone (my other idea was to send a whatsapp message and offer a follow-up phone call, so they could read and process the news in their own time and then speak on the phone afterwards, rather than be ambushed).

What waiting a little longer for more answers from my doctors also helped me with, was giving me the opportunity to "practice" my script before delivering it on the big-stage with my parents. And I don't mean in front of the mirror, but really starting with other people in my life who were very important but who I was less worried about in terms of reaction than my parents.

First my boss. Then my colleagues. Then a few of my close friends. By then I had a few more answers from my doctors, and I felt rehearsed enough that I wouldn't lose the plot telling my Mom and Dad.

WHEN DO YOU TELL THEM?

This is of course up to you. I chose to initially share the news once my diagnosis was confirmed, and my surgery date fully set. This gave the advantage of being able to clearly point to the next big milestone in my treatment and show that I was getting the care I needed.

HOW DO YOU TELL THEM?

In my opinion, I think this depends on the audience. For me, it was not realistic to call each and every one of my friends, also as living in Germany but being from Canada and additionally having gone to an international business school, time zones are no small factor. I instead thought about who would really appreciate a phone call (vs. whatsapp), and took it from there, with whatsapp being my default. I also tried to ensure that once everyone in a particular friends group was filled in, I sent a message to the group whatsapp chats to acknowledge the situation, also so that people felt (i) it wasn't taboo to talk about and (ii) they could talk about it amongst themselves.

telling people in groups also = efficiency. I told a bunch of my buddies in Nuremberg while at a local beer festival a couple of days after being diagnosed. We still managed to have some fun despite the news ;)

WHAT DO YOU TELL THEM?

For me, there were a few things that I wanted to make sure I relayed as part of my messaging:

• The diagnosis (obviously)

• The primary treatment - indicating the surgery date and that I would be treated at a high quality hospital (and that this is routine surgery for them)

• The prognosis - especially how positive it is for testicular cancer. I was always very strong in enforcing the message about overwhelmingly high recovery rates. I often would say something like "no one wants to get cancer, but if you're gonna get it, this is one of the ones you want"

• Taking things Step-by-Step, Day-by-Day - indicating hope/optimism that treatment would start and end with surgery, but that chemotherapy or other forms of treatment might be needed, but that it wasn't clear just yet and the need to take it step-by-step and not planning for worst case scenarios

• Mindset - this might be the most underrated part of the communication. I found that it was incredibly helpful to convey the mindset I was in - one of positivity and perspective...

  • Feeling optimistic about the road ahead, and that this was just a bit of a curveball

  • Feeling privileged that I live in a country like Germany with an excellent healthcare system

  • Having an amazing support system to rely on, including Joanna

  • Basically, feeling lucky that I have the tools I need to kick cancer's ass

• Humor - testicle cancer inherently carries many opportunities for jokes. If comfortable, my advice is to use them. It lifts the mood on both sides of the conversation

DERIVING PURPOSE & REWARD FROM THE COMMUNICATIONS PROCESS

While it was no doubt one of the hardest parts of the whole testicular cancer journey, I felt that telling people was also a great opportunity for personal reward and development. Giving people a message of optimism, strength, and positive mindset seemed to take away the sting of the news and give them confidence that I was in a good place to conquer the road ahead. I know it seems counterintuitive to want to comfort others when you are the one with the disease, but I really truly felt that putting others at ease gave me a sense of purpose. None of it was bravado necessarily, but equally there was probably a virtuous cycle at work. The more I conveyed a message of confidence and positivity, the more those feelings solidified within me.